


it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

by slamiltons



Series: lost, small dreams [1]
Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Depression, Drug Use, Multi, but the same-, i don't ship any of these ships lol, relationships are explored, reupload bc of old bad format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 20:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7283956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slamiltons/pseuds/slamiltons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Farkle's junior year was a mixed bag of new relationships, tarnished friendships, and mistakes. Many mistakes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

**Author's Note:**

> oh boi whattup.  
> i rewrote this story bc i hayyyyyted the way it came out. hoping this flows better. please review if you read!!!!! i will love it!!!!!  
> i donut own GMW.

**September  
(well i heard there was a secret chord)**

Junior year is a mess.  
He knows from the last day of sophomore year,  
when Maya yells out during history class  
that she kissed Lucas.  
When Riley's pale face  
and sad eyes blanch.  
Mr. Matthews makes a weird face.  
Zay gapes.  
Smackle presses her lips together.  
And the Clique Six  
falls, topples, collapses.  
Farkle is a genius  
and yet can't comprehend this.  
How Maya and Riley's   
iron friendship broke  
because of impulse and ache.  
When Maya hisses  
that Riley's been acting so _emo_ lately,  
and is so hard to deal with.  
Riley yelling  
_well maybe something's wrong with me_  
and Lucas making another choice-  
this one not being that  
 he always just wants them all to be friends.  
Saying  
_Riley, back off_  
and her slapping him  
before running from the school,  
backpack of textbooks thumping.  
This year will suck.  
Farkle knows.  
~  
**October  
(but you don't really care for music, do you?)**

Farkle wants to bolt from the first day of October,   
when Smackle breaks up with him for   
Zay   
(she calls him babe-inaeux)   
and he and Lucas are sitting   
slumped behind a bench  
outside the cafeteria with   
spiked orange juice  
that a guy sells from his locker   
and no teacher has discovered yet.   
Maya is doing extra stuff in art, since she's   
apparently the teen Georgia O'Keefe,   
and Smackle and Zay both had   
"some, uh, chem-bio-history," work to do   
together.  
"How'd we get here, Farkle?"   
asks Lucas, sipping   
from his carton.  
He means   
"here",   
alone.  
"We sat,"  
says Farkle.   
He means   
"here",   
behind the bench.

He hasn't seen Riley since   
the first day of school at   
schedule pickup.  
She was wearing a MouseRat shirt  
with jeans, shorter hair, and the saddest face  
he'd ever seen.  
They didn't say   
a word to one another.  
The orange juice is sour.  
~  
**November  
(the minor fall and the major lift)**

Lucas asks Maya out   
on the fourth of November.   
She looks at him with   
dreamy blue eyes and says,   
"uh, yeah, sure, Ranger Rick."   
He smiles like crazy and   
everyone in the hallways from middle school   
swoons.  
(He hears that Lucas  
went to ask Mr. Matthews permission  
to ask out Maya,  
and the man teared up.  
He vaguely wonders if   
Katy has died  
or something.)  
No one has seen Riley,   
and no one is worried.

Lucas and Maya just Fit Together.   
Everyone calls them the power couple of the school-  
they're nearly kings,   
and seniors love them,   
so they've got an in with  
the old Thor crowd.  
Smackle calls Farkle more,   
"just to talk,"  
and he finds himself friends with her   
again.   
Things with Zay   
are fine, though.   
Farkle won't be getting back together with her,   
and it hurts more   
than we wants to say.

Scientists don't really do friends  
but the guys in his advanced AP honors classes   
make decent conversations.   
That's all he has for a while.  
~  
**December  
(your faith was strong but you needed proof)**

The behind of that cafeteria bench has   
become The Place for him and his friends.   
One day,  
right before winter break,  
while he and Maya pick   
at a shared salad,   
he asks,   
"Where d'you think Riley is?"  
Maya snorts, shoving a grape tomato and lettuce leaves   
onto her fork.   
"Oh, like I know.  
Probably off slitting her wrists   
in the bathroom."  
"Writing poetry about how   
no one understands her,"  
Farkle adds.  
They give one-note,  
flat laughs.   
For some reason,   
the two of them make depressed Riley jokes  
all the time.   
They haven't decided if it's mean  
or not.   
It probably is,   
but no one's there   
to stop them.  
~  
**January  
(broke your throne and cut your hair)**

He becomes known as   
Patrick Bateman   
around school the day   
(January 7th)   
he begins wearing suits regularly.   
Being rich adds to the nickname.   
He laughs it off,   
because it doesn't really bother him, only  
a little bit,   
since being compared to   
a murderous psycho isn't the biggest booster of self esteem.   
But it's something to be know by,  
and it seems easiest to shrug and laugh.  
Why not go all out,  
Farkle wonders one day at a house party   
in Long Island.   
Become the whole rich-prick package?   
Who would it hurt?  
He slaps hands with Billy   
(who bullied him ages ago  
in seventh grade  
when he was friends with-)  
and does a line   
in the said's bathroom,  
next to   
a fish-shaped loofa.

The drugs feel   
r e a l l y   
good,  
and then he's   
Sonic the Hedgehog mixed with James Dean  
for the rest of the night.   
Dancing, drinking,  
flirting, laughing  
and losing himself.  
Missy Bradford  
(who bullied him and all  
of his friends,  
including-)  
has her arms all over him  
for the first half of the night  
before she drunkenly  
kisses him  
then stumbles off.  
Smackle passes him once  
and gives him an odd look.  
He winks.  
In his very jacked up psyche about two hours later,  
he realizes he shouldn't drive home   
and finds his phone in his pocket.   
He doesn't see his blurry, ruffled reflection   
while going through contacts.  
Zay and Smackle  
(dancing),  
Lucas and Maya  
(outside),  
does he really have no other friends?,  
that leaves-  
"Ra-hilye, Smiley, Matthews," he purrs into the phone.   
(Well, he isn't himself tonight.  
Why not call-)  
There is silence,   
so he asks for a ride.  
"I'm in Long Island.  
Billy's house.  
Bill-ay.  
Remember when he said I was  
nothing?"  
He snorts.  
She sighs,  
(she's frustrate)  
and says,  
"Are you kidding me?"  
(She wants to know if he's kidding.)  
"I'm not coming to pick you  
up because you got drunk, Farkle."  
(She doesn't want  
to deal with him.)  
He protests,   
saying he's   
stone-cold sober   
and just wants to talk.   
She is quiet again.  
"Why now?"  
(Why not last June,  
when I broke down crying  
and you told me I was being  
dramatic?)  
"Why...NOT now?"  
"I really think you're drunk."  
(She's about to hang up.)  
"I am...NOT drunk."  
Then she's saying she'll be there in five.   
"Wait outside.   
I ain't coming in."  
(This is hard for her.)  
So he goes outside and plays with his  
cuff links  
until she pulls up  
and lets him into her small car.   
It's cobalt blue.  
Lucas and Maya are making out   
on the front porch   
when they pull away.  
The lights outside are glowing  
and Farkle smiles.  
New York is beautiful at night.  
Riley isn't talking.  
Before she can put in her   
_In The Heights_ CD,   
Farkle blurts, "I lied.   
I'm drunk.  
I mean,  
I'm on cocaine.   
I mean,   
I'm high.   
Right?"  
"Duh," sighs Riley.  
"Your eyes give it away.   
You look ready to run a marathon.  
All bloodshot and stuff."  
"Oh."   
Maybe that was why Smackle  
looked confused.  
Good thing his parents are out.   
She hits play on the CD player   
and lets the music wash over them.  
Riley is what most people at their school   
would call goth or depressed,   
for lack of a politer word.   
He's pretty sure she's only the latter,   
and the backup meds in her glove box confirm.  
"When 'id'ou start takin' those?"  
he asks,   
taking the napkin he was looking for  
and blowing his nose.   
He rattles the bottle with the other hand,   
and one falls out.   
Beige, candy looking.  
"Have been since sophomore year," she says,   
eyes on the road.   
"But like, why-"  
"I'm giving you a ride.  
Don't talk over Karen Olivio."  
Riley is so layered,  
so hidden   
with her feelings.  
She used to be an open book.  
He is floating, still high.  
They've made good time in silence.   
Close to home,   
Saturday night.   
His parents are at a fancy building party.  
Her family is probably reading,   
all on the same couch.  
He hasn't had Mr. Matthews as a teacher   
in months,  
since he tranefered to  
smarter classes.  
"How are you?"   
he dares to ask   
once the finale ends.   
"And your family?"  
He wants to know.  
"How am I?  
I'm here, aren't I?"   
she responds.   
"I don't know, Farkle.   
I'm here,  
I guess.   
And my family-  
well, my parents  
miss you guys.  
They wish I had friends now,   
or namely, friends that look   
like they came from a Land's End catalog."  
"Huh?"  
"All neat colors and  
big white smiles and  
carefree and  
that stuff.   
But they're all   
fine.   
Auggie is great."  
That's all there is to say.   
She drops him at the penthouse,   
wishes him adieu  
dryly.  
"Don't be on cocaine again,   
okay?"  
"Thanks," he says to her face.  
"I miss you," he says to the pulling away car.  
~  
**February  
(i've seen this room and walked this floor)**

He doesn't do anything   
for Valentine's day,   
having no Valentine.  
All he does  
is go watch   
_Superba_ d  
with Zay and Smackle.   
His parents are out for dinner,  
so in the few minutes   
where he's alone at home,  
he finds one   
of the pills   
he stole from   
Riley's car   
last month.   
At Zay's house,   
in his shiny bathroom   
with a map-of-Texas floor mat,   
Farkle crushes it with a shampoo bottle.  
Tilts his head back.  
He's flying the whole time he's there.   
Zay and Smackle cuddle   
and Farkle eats spaghetti.  
Doesn't dare call Riley for a ride,  
just calls an Uber.  
~  
**March  
(what's really going on below?)**

All five of them   
_Lucas!  
Maya!  
Farkle!  
Zay!  
Smackle!_  
are eating in their behind-bench spot   
when the first  
March rain happens.   
The kids who usually  
sit outside trod inside  
to find seats.  
It's normal stuff in their group-   
talking and complaining about parents and classes-  
until Riley walks past.  
It's the first he's seen her   
in school all year.   
She's alone,   
but has a lunch box purse-style   
on her wrist.   
She stops to fix her shoe and her earbuds.   
They all watch her.  
_The Ex-Friend Show!  
What's She Up To Now?_  
He's sure she doesn't see them at first,   
until she very much turns and   
very much does spot them.  
"Why are you guys gaping at me?"   
she asks upfront.   
She looks tired,   
so tired.   
Her voice is raspy.  
The pink and brown lace romper  
is new.  
"Y'look different,"   
Maya says,   
also upfront.   
"Shorter haircut."  
"You always did want me to change it, right?"  
 remarks Riley.  
She goes into the cafeteria,   
and they don't look after her.  
~  
**April  
(the holy dove was moving too)**

In April   
Farkle quits cocaine   
(after two months   
and copious uses).   
His parents never even knew.  
He texts Riley about it,  
for some reason.  
She write back,  
_Aces, Bateman._  
~  
May  
(how to shoot somebody that outdrew ya)

He and Riley are in the same testing room.   
Minkus   
and   
Matthews,   
right next to each other   
(of course Darby Meltin   
HAD to be out).   
The three hours are endless,  
 being so close,   
considering he finishes in minutes   
and her only slightly after him.   
He forgot how smart she was.   
Everyone has.  
When the bored proctor lets them leave, he says,  
"Was it hard?"  
She shrugs.  
"I thought it was fine. You?"  
He follows her to her locker.  
"Oh, eh.   
Nothing's harder than  
one of your dad's quizzes."  
"Because all of the questions  
are about yourself,"  
finishes Riley.  
One of their freshman jokes.  
She smiles.  
It isn't sunshine,  
like in middle school,  
but it's warm.  
He blurts to her,   
"Come to Billy's tonight.   
End of exams party."  
She turns to him.   
"He throws parties when he gets new socks."  
"Yes, he does.  
 Please.   
Come."  
Riley looks at him with eyes   
that are sad   
and longing   
and firm   
and angry.   
His words-   
"you kind of ruined   
our first day   
of high school,"-  
 are bitter   
and mean.   
In sophomore year,   
they still weren't kings.   
Riley was just there that year-   
walking around,   
biting her lip,   
wearing flowy clothes   
that were dark and shapeless.   
She was lost.  
Now she knows herself.   
He doesn't,   
but Riley knows herself.  
And she says,   
"Fine,"   
to coming.

She does show,   
and is awkwardly off to the side,   
drinking water   
when Farkle arrives.   
He hangs out with her   
because of the couple friends   
being off  
being couple-y.   
He drinks the alcohol on hand,  
 he gets wasted because   
Riley offered to drive.  
She smirks and  
lets him pull her onto the dance floor  
when a song he _loves_  
blares.  
He's the one who's drunk  
and a wreck  
and confused  
but despite that,   
Riley's the one   
who grabs his jaw   
and kisses him   
hard   
in the middle of the dance floor.  
It is sweet,  
 and he needs to hate it   
but can't.   
They're in public,   
but Riley holds him   
and he puts his arms around her.   
The kiss isn't love,   
he thinks.  
Probably.  
It's a weird form of communication.   
"I miss you,"   
it says.  
Riley Matthews   
tastes like   
dry lipstick   
and,   
faintly,   
vomit.  
They leave the party after that,   
hand in hand.   
They spend the night at a 'round the clock diner,   
drinking coffee and talking.  
And when she does drive him home,  
outside of her brownstone,  
they kiss again.  
~  
**June  
(hallelujah)**

College applications were sent out,   
and all juniors are ready for next year,   
the last year in Abigail Adams,  
the year the are Kings.   
Farkle is maybe  
dating Riley.   
They make out a lot  
on weekends in the Village.  
Are they a _thing_?   
He's baffled by it.   
None of his friends know.  
Once Zay asks,  
"Was I wasted,  
or did you leave Billy's party  
with Riley?",  
and he just shrugs.

Then one day,   
she comes to their lunch spot.   
Slides down next to Smackle,   
pulls out her Goldfish,  
crunches a few.  
Everyone is silent.  
Smackle side-eyes Riley  
who gazes back.  
Smackle and Zay exchange looks,  
Lucas looks over at Maya  
who knits her brows,  
and Farkle wants to run all the way  
to Broadway.  
She came out of nowhere,  
but looks around at them  
as if they're her friends  
and have been all along.  
"Where'd you apply,  
Zay?"  
Riley asks out of nowhere.  
Zay pauses before  
saying,  
"Just about everywhere I could afford.  
Hoping for Columbia, aimin' for Sarah Lawrence."  
"I put in for SL too,"  
Riley says, nodding.  
"Good school," Zay says.  
"Yeah."  
No one else knows what's going on.  
Farkle catches her eye,  
and she just looks at him.  
She yanks out a plastic container  
with a Tuna Melt inside it  
(and a Nighthawk Diner fork),  
locking eyes with Maya.  
"Want to share?"  
she asks.  
Casually.  
Farkle's heart leaps.  
What is she doing-  
challenging Maya?  
Daring her to remember  
their friendship?  
Maya's blue eyes are burning,  
and she holds Lucas' hand  
like a life belt.  
Riley digs in her lunchbox  
for another fork,  
and holds it out.  
A plastic fork  
is an olive branch.  
From one girl to the other,  
it resonates in the silence.  
_Want to share?  
Want to share?  
Want to-_  
Maya takes the fork, pulling her hand from Lucas'.  
She extends her own hand.  
"Scoop some onto the lid," she says. Riley obliges.  
And Hallelujah.

**Author's Note:**

> lol the writers are ruining everything rn so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
